Happy due date my sweet little angel. I tried not to anticipate this day but as the day got closer, I just couldn’t help it.I can’t get you out of my mind and I never expected to feel the hurt of your loss again so deeply. Gosh, how much I wish I was posting a cute birth announcement instead of this. We had always joked that you would come early, since your sister was born 8 days before her due date, we just never expected it to be quite like this. I’ll never understand why your time here was so short, but I hope you know how much I love you. Pray for your daddy and I, and watch over your crazy sister! I’m tough and I will make it through, but I want you to look down from heaven and be proud to say, “that’s my mommy”. Until I can hold you again my sweet boy…
I don’t “do” uncomfortable feelings very well, I hate feeling vulnerable or exposed. I hate sadness and I absolutely loathe the feeling of mourning. I feel physically ill and often retreat back into myself to avoid having to think about or share really any of what I am feeling. I put on my strong face, because, I am a strong woman no doubt, but I couldn’t help but to think, is this the best way to not only deal with but GROW from my experiences?
I came across a book by Brené Brown on vulnerability… I have to say that reading it (once my heart was ready enough after losing Michael) was one of the biggest steps of growth in my life. Her words encouraged me to not run away from my fear or hurt, but to embrace it as part of who I am, as part of my story. To not run away from the feelings of sadness, anger and vulnerability, because they appear scary, but to allow myself the freedom to feel them, talk about them, and deeply experience them. I shared my story of loss, being completely open and vulnerable (which was super scary for me), and it ended up being a wonderful way of helping my heart heal and acknowledging my baby boy. It helped me make steps towards living that “wholehearted” life she talks about, something that I want to fully embrace – feeling life deeply, honestly, and authentically.
I’ve done a lot of 
reflection on the “where is God when bad things happen” thought process (another topic for another day) and I am confident that God does not want bad things to happen, in fact he mourns alongside of us, but he does work to bring good out of pain if you allow your heart to be open to him.
I realize life experiences, the ones that shape us, mold us, and form us, will either make us or break us. While previously I opened up in a very vulnerable blog post on delivering my stillborn son, I can now speak to my progress or renewal as a woman – in every aspect – a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. Since losing Michael I have felt an immense amount of sadness, confusion, pain, anger, even jealousy, but I have also felt a renewal in my soul, to live life filled with love and intention. That “wholehearted” life that Brown talks about in her book. That being present, “mindful living” kind of way.
My heart still hurts without a doubt, and I’m not convinced that “hole” will ever go away, but I do feel more confident, honest, and comfortable in my own skin than I ever have. I want my son to look down from heaven and be proud of his mommy, and I want to feel like his passing was not in vain, but that out of his life something beautiful was born.
xo – J
18 Comments
Miltha
My heart hurts for your family today. I am so sorry you do not have your sweet boy in your arms. I suffered a miscarriage a couple months ago and I know how painful the process is. I have found great healing in the book “Heart Made Whole,” by Christa Black Gifford. Highly recommend it, her story is similar to yours and I think it will help continue to bring healing to your heart and your family. It definitely has helped us. God bless!
jschulman&company
Oh sweet angel mama, my heart heart aches for you too! I wish no parent had to endure this kind of suffering. Thank you for the book recommendation! I am anxious to read it. Sending you all my love and prayers! xo
chelseajacobs
I think you are so brave for sharing these emotions.
jschulman&company
Thank you <3 it's part of my healing process that I have embraced
Alicia Brooks
Thank you for sharing this. I felt like I was reading my own thoughts about how I deal (or don’t) with the emotion of loosing my mom. I have had such a hard time letting anyone see my emotions, even my own husband. I will have to get that books. Thank you for sharing! My prayers are with you, and I know Michael is SO very proud of you. <3
beauty4ashes728
I found your blog today on Pinterest. Thank you for sharing. I, too, have been through the pain of having a stillborn son just 3 1/2 months ago. I started writing about it too, because I felt like it would honor him and hopefully help someone else. Reading your blog reflects so many of my same thoughts, and I do believe as you do that God is turning our loss into something beautiful. Thank you for sharing!
jschulman&company
Oh sweet mama, you are such a beautiful soul! Thank you for sharing your story <3 As hard as our experiences were, God placed it on our hearts to use our grief to inspire healing in others. I know our sweet little boys are best buddies in heaven. You can count on my prayers for you and your family! xo
Helen
Thanks for sharing your story. I also have had to suffer a pregnancy loss, a little boy at 18 weeks in 2016 and recently January this year we lost our little girl at 25 weeks.
I cried reading your post, it just brought back memories. Another book that I have been reading is ‘Hannah’s Hope’ by Jennifer Saake. God turns our hearts to him when we are at our lowest point, and does indeed turn it into something beautiful x.
Thanks for sharing x
jschulman&company
Oh Helen, thank you for sharing a little bit of your story with me. I am so sorry to hear what you have had to endure… my heart just aches for you. Thank you also for sharing that book with me, I am going to start that one as well! Please know you are very much in my prayers! I feel as though, not by our own choosing or desire of course, we were called to this sisterhood and that by supporting and praying for each other, our hearts will heal and as you said, something beautiful will come of our suffering. God bless you sweet angel mama!
Meg
Tomm will be two weeks, two weeks without my belly filled with love and anticipation. Our daughter Everly was born at 24 weeks and so many days. 33 hours of labor. We have our older kids but she was a suprise after closing the door. (We lost another at 13 weeks four years ago)My heart aches for her. March 1st was supposed to be her due date but with a planned csection at the end of feb 2019. I’m trying to get through the holidays and then her due date. Hoping for strength and wisdom from those that have traveled this road before me….
jschulman&company
Oh Meg! My heart just aches for you… no matter how much time has passed every time I hear of another mother suffering that same loss, it brings me right back to that very time in my own journey, which in turn allows me to grieve deeply alongside you. I know words mean very little while your grieving, but know I am personally praying for you and your healing. I’m praying you find peace, especially as we enter the Christmas season. I hope you allow yourself the time you personally need to grieve and heal, I’ll encourage you not to rush it and try not to be hard on yourself as you find you will have good days and bad days. Reach out for help when you need it to – even if its as small as running an errand or someone listening to you talk it all out. I found a lot of strength in my own journey from connecting with women who had walked this path before me… they offer a special type of understanding and perspective that only someone who has experienced this type of pain could. I’m so sorry, and so heartbroken for you. I’d love to send you a few things, including a few essential oils that helped me support my emotional healing. If you send me an email, i’d love to connect. I know i’m a stranger on the other end of the internet… but I feel we are connected as I can just see our sweet little ones playing with each other up in heaven. Sending you all of my love and prayers sweet angel mama.
Ilene
~Leah Jade Gutierrez~ born December 17, 2018. We had just heard her heartbeat December 15, 2018. How could it happen so fast 🙁 this is all so hard for me. To talk about this all. I miss her so much!!! I feel like I’m never going to wake up from this nightmare. Hearing those words she had no heartbeat. And having to give birth to her. Going home without her. This has changed me so much. Deep down in my soul. I feel like I’m not really here. Like I’m just trying to be happy and still be a good mom to my other kids and a good wife but deep down inside I’m not here. I’m crying, I’m angry. Why is this happening to us. Why did I have to lose her. I was doing everything I had to do to make sure she was healthy. I feel like I’m never going to get over this. When I’m alone I cry every single time. I feel like I’m fighting a battle between being strong or losing my shit and crying.
Ilene
I was 8 months pregnant. Leah was due February 7, 2019. She was growing so healthy and wonderful. I’ll never understand how this could have happened.
katie
Oh my goodness I am 12 days out from losing my Oliver at 37 weeks. Thankyou for sharing your story.
jschulman&company
Katie…. my heart is absolutely crushed for you! I am so sorry you have had to endure this heartache! I know not much helps when you are grieving, but please know I am praying for you. Be patient with yourself as you navigate this time. For me, it was hard to find happiness at first but I promise you it does get a little easier. I’d like to think our boys are playing together in heaven… Looking down at us, so proud of their mamas! All my love sweet angel mama. xo
Emily
I lost my baby boy Matthew. How to keep your faith in God after you loose your baby. It’s been two years since I lost sweet boy and I still find it hard to have faith or believe in God anymore.
jschulman&company
Emily, my heart aches for you… I am so sorry. And I am going to be totally honest with you… it’s not easy. I am still working through it. And what’s more, my personal journey is completely different than my husbands. I had more of a faith formation than my husband did prior to losing Michael, so it was easier for me to accept God’s love and mercy, or at least the concept, after our loss. I’m not perfect, and neither is my walk with God, as many people do I go through peaks and valleys, but I have the knowledge, or faith in God’s love and mercy deep down inside of me, making me want to fight against my doubts and focus on restoring my faith. I found that talking with people or reading books, blog posts, etc about people who have gone through hard times and still have a strong faith in God inspired me. I found that focusing on the blessings in daily life (I religiously kept up with a gratitude journal) helped me see life through a different lens – one of thanks and awe. I used a faith based book on gratitude to help guide me (this helped me see things to be grateful for that I may have never noticed). I made time to just talk with God each day… nothing organized, just random conversation, because to be very transparent with you, after begging God to save my son, to have him be ok, and it not turn out the way I begged for it to be, I was wounded. I found that just talking to Him like I would a friend, opened the prayer lines back up. I’m still working on restoring my faith, hopefully surpassing where it was before! But everyones journey looks different, and everyones timeline is different too. Someone once told me that God doesn’t look for perfection, he looks at the fight in you, how much effort you are putting in, how many times you pick yourself up after you fall. This helps me work through those peaks and valleys – God see’s me struggling, but what’s more, he see’s my efforts picking myself back up, working through the anger, doubt, and resentment and opening myself up to His love. I wish it could be different, but I just have to trust that my warrior in heaven is praying for me every minute of every day and be grateful for all the beauty and blessings my sweet Michael brought. I hope you find peace and please know that I’m praying for you, I know it’s not easy. Reach out if you ever need a listening ear <3 all my love sweet angel mama
Kelsey
Thank you for sharing. It hurts to know so many go through this. I have suffered 2 miscarriages and a still birth. With no living children. I sadly can not carry to full term and now have to go forward with surrogacy in order to have a child. I miss my daughter Ellarose everyday. I was lucky enough to get her footprints which are now permanently on my arm. She is now my guardian angel.