As a young mom of a toddler and an angel baby in heaven, I am fully in the trenches of my journey though motherhood. Though my heart is still raw from the loss of my son just 4 weeks ago, it’s this raw state that has given me the ability to feel so deeply and come to this understanding about motherhood – that motherhood is the best, worst, best thing that has ever happened to me.
It’s beautiful, there’s no denying that. There is nothing like bringing your own flesh and blood into this world and being responsible for this beautiful tiny creature – whether you physically birthed them or bore them in your heart through adoption. To see your child blossom before your very eyes gives you a glimpse into the spaces of heaven.
It’s exhausting, there’s no denying that. From the endless feedings and diaper changes, to the constant messes and temper tantrums, to the mom-on-wheels taxi service and the daily battle of the wills. You give, and give for what seems like an eternity, fully convinced no one appreciates everything you do.
It’s demanding, there’s no denying that. You must be educated on everything and you constantly feel the pressure of being perfect. Knowing when to take them to the doctor, when to tell them to brush it off. Fussing over what they put in their body- no gluten, dairy, sugar… is it non-GMO and organic? To vaccinate or not to vaccinate? Does your baby know sign language? Are you teaching them a second language? Is that BPA free? How are you managing screen time??
It’s painful and terrifying, there’s no denying that. You become a mother when God forms that child in your womb. Your responsibility and deep motherly love for them begins at that very moment. Since we don’t know what God’s plan is for their lives, some things may catch us off guard… and that is scary. Perhaps they will only be with us for weeks, or maybe 100 years… we just pray for the strength to be faithful through the difficult and painful times. You naturally want to do everything right for them and when all the parenting books you read say, young moms, these are the formative years! Now is the time where you form your child into the person he or she will be for the rest of their lives. Talk about pressure. Then, as they grow up, watching them endure broken bones and broken hearts is heart wrenching for us too, because we love them so deeply! Oh those long sleepless nights of worry.
Oh my dear, but it’s simply just the best, and there’s no denying that. First steps. First words. First love. Delighting in each new stage as they grow up. As the mother, you get the very worst from your kids… but you also get the very, very best out of them too. Oh, to love someone SO deeply and to be that someone’s everything is an extraordinary feeling.
At my son’s funeral, the priest said that motherhood was a risk. That motherhood forces you to be vulnerable, completely exposed to the worst lows but also to the best highs. What a beautiful and terrifying thought! As with any great love, you have to open yourself up to this possibility. To experience the best in your life, you have to risk living through the worst.
If the past month has taught me anything, it’s that life is fragile, precious, and darn right hard! It’s given me this fresh outlook on life and on motherhood. Though it may be fragile and hard sometimes, it’s given me the resolve to soak up each season of motherhood and every stage of their sweet lives more intentionally, while also making sure I am attending to my own needs so I can show up as the mother my kid deserves – happy, balanced, and fulfilled.
This Mother’s Day I have a special focus on my sweet little wild flower, the one who made me a mom, to hold her a little more tightly and for sure to kiss her one too many times. I am immensely thankful for my own mom, and for the other sweet women in my life who continue to help me learn the depths of motherhood and support me through my journey. I am also praying a special prayer this Mother’s Day for all moms, but specifically to those who are mothers of angels, to those suffering with infertility, miscarriages, or the loss of a grown child. Of course, not a day goes by that I don’t think about my son, but his memory has also made a special place in my heart for other mothers who have endured similar suffering.
For all the times you give until you feel empty and completely overwhelmed, I hope you know that you are enough. You really are everything to them and God has you firmly in his arms. I hope you feel loved and appreciated this weekend!
Xo – J
“I’m determined not to wish away the moments I’ll want back one day.” – Undivided Mom